The story
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The day before Thanksgiving, 2003.
That was day my life, and the lives of my family, ended. Everything changed. As my wife drove the two oldest of our three children to school, they were struck by a driver blowing through a stop sign. Our son, Paul, 13, died. Our daughter, Elyse, 11, suffered a traumatic brain injury and was placed in a coma. She did not wake for two and a half months. In the years that followed, we were preoccupied with helping Elyse recover, and our youngest, Ian, to cope with the challenges our new lives presented. Recovering from our grief was hard and slow, but it came.
The help and prayers and love of family and friends made an enormous difference for us. Losing a child, facing life-threatening injuries, living with disabilities - we didn’t sign up this, and we never had the owner’s manual. We didn’t know how to deal with any of it, but with God’s grace and a loving circle around us, we survived.
After about nine years had passed, I felt led to help others. I wasn’t sure what that meant - serving as a trauma or grief counselor, in hospice, as a chaplain - I wasn’t sure. I decided to ask an expert about some training as a grief coach. Toward the end of 2012, I called H. Norman Wright, a well known counselor and author who has written over 70 books, including many on the topics of grief and trauma. Dr. Wright directed me toward GriefShare, a faith-based grief recovery group that meets for a course of thirteen weeks, using a video curriculum. Dr. Wright urged that it was the ideal place for me to at least begin. I would first attend a full course, then I would meet the minimum qualification to serve as a facilitator,and could begin co-leading the class.
Since 2014, I have been doing just that. I have had the opportunity to come alongside grieving folks with stories similar and very different from my own. I have learned from every one. Again and again I heard that that for almost everyone of us grief overtakes us in ways we did not expect and could not have prepared for. It’s no wonder, then, that those of who have not experienced grief are ill-equipped to help those are in the midst of it.
As a writer I have been asked if I plan to tell our story, and I’ve been urged to do so. I have done it in little ways here and there, but mostly I share it face to face with those who care and want to hear. I am now working on a book about how grief can add to our spiritual lives, not just take away. But I feel that the need I am trying to meet in At a Loss is a greater one at the moment. How can we help each other be more empathetic comforters, more helpful and sympathetic? To do that, I wrote this book. I hope you find it useful.
Steve Dehner
That was day my life, and the lives of my family, ended. Everything changed. As my wife drove the two oldest of our three children to school, they were struck by a driver blowing through a stop sign. Our son, Paul, 13, died. Our daughter, Elyse, 11, suffered a traumatic brain injury and was placed in a coma. She did not wake for two and a half months. In the years that followed, we were preoccupied with helping Elyse recover, and our youngest, Ian, to cope with the challenges our new lives presented. Recovering from our grief was hard and slow, but it came.
The help and prayers and love of family and friends made an enormous difference for us. Losing a child, facing life-threatening injuries, living with disabilities - we didn’t sign up this, and we never had the owner’s manual. We didn’t know how to deal with any of it, but with God’s grace and a loving circle around us, we survived.
After about nine years had passed, I felt led to help others. I wasn’t sure what that meant - serving as a trauma or grief counselor, in hospice, as a chaplain - I wasn’t sure. I decided to ask an expert about some training as a grief coach. Toward the end of 2012, I called H. Norman Wright, a well known counselor and author who has written over 70 books, including many on the topics of grief and trauma. Dr. Wright directed me toward GriefShare, a faith-based grief recovery group that meets for a course of thirteen weeks, using a video curriculum. Dr. Wright urged that it was the ideal place for me to at least begin. I would first attend a full course, then I would meet the minimum qualification to serve as a facilitator,and could begin co-leading the class.
Since 2014, I have been doing just that. I have had the opportunity to come alongside grieving folks with stories similar and very different from my own. I have learned from every one. Again and again I heard that that for almost everyone of us grief overtakes us in ways we did not expect and could not have prepared for. It’s no wonder, then, that those of who have not experienced grief are ill-equipped to help those are in the midst of it.
As a writer I have been asked if I plan to tell our story, and I’ve been urged to do so. I have done it in little ways here and there, but mostly I share it face to face with those who care and want to hear. I am now working on a book about how grief can add to our spiritual lives, not just take away. But I feel that the need I am trying to meet in At a Loss is a greater one at the moment. How can we help each other be more empathetic comforters, more helpful and sympathetic? To do that, I wrote this book. I hope you find it useful.
Steve Dehner
